How to Write About Afgahnistan

            Always use the word Freedom or Terror or Infidel in your title. Subtitles should include the words America, Soviet, Taliban, Al Qaeda, Pashtun, Terrorist, Mountain, Tora Bora or Bin Laden. Also useful are words such as Guerillas, Tribal, Mujahedeen, Ancient, Dusty or Education. Note that “them” refers to goat herders, while “Them” is a vague reference to all terrorists.

            Never have a picture of a happy Afghan on the cover of your book, or in it, unless he has attempted to kill Americans in a particularly nefarious way. AK-47s, dirty beards and women without noses: use these. If you must have a picture of an Afghani, make sure it is either a woman in a hijab or an angry man in a turban.

            In your text, treat Afghanis as if they were all the same. It is always hot and dusty and there are mountains everywhere, filled with people who live in caves and oppress their women. Don’t get bogged down with precision descriptions. The country is hot and people are too busy dying of thirst or blowing themselves up to kill infidels to read your book. The country is full of forests, grasslands, rivers and cities, among other things, but your reader doesn’t care about all that, so keep your descriptions violent and scary and leave out everything else.

            Make sure you show how all Afghanis hate America and are primitive tribal people. Do not mention democracy, doctors and schools that allow girls to attend; suicide bomber is the occupation of choice in Afghanistan, along with IED manufacturer, terrorist leader and sheepherder. Make sure you show how you are able to withstand (and even enjoy) the attacks of all of them-- because you care about Afghanistan’s democracy.

            Taboo subjects: running water (unless there is a lack thereof), medical facilities of any sort that are not owned by the US military, kindness between an Afghan man and an Afghan woman, references to educated Afghan men who still live in Afghanistan and mention of school going young women who are not suffering from attacks or facial mutilation.

            Throughout the book, adopt a disappointed voice, confessing to the reader, and a sad I-expected-faster-results tone. Establish early on that you are a contentious objector, and how your eyes were opened to the failures of the US government, and mention near the beginning how much you hated Afghanistan’s mountains, how much you love being away from them. Afghanistan and Vietnam are the only countries you can truly hate—take advantage of that. If you were a soldier, describe how much you hated hauling gear up and down Afghanistan’s steep mountains all day. If you were an aid worker, describe how scared you were all the time, and how everyone hated you, even though you were there to help them. Afghanistan is to be bombed, pitied or left immediately. Whichever angle you take, make sure that you leave a strong impression that Afghanistan is doomed to fall back into the hands of “Them” without your contribution and your very important and soulful book.